From My Soap Box
Dear readers, I may sound a bit preachy, Today, but I remind you that a lot of healing is accomplished, when a friend, client, or loved one is simply allowed to talk until they’ve talked their way to their own epiphany. The only thing that we can really do to help is actually more helpful than we realize.
We can LISTEN.
When we really just listen, with the goal of giving the speaker the time and space to just talk, without feeling that we have to solve their problem, then we don’t solve the wrong problem, and the speaker is more apt to get to the real issue.
Sometimes it takes time, to let the chaff of minutiae fall away, to reveal a deeper and more important issue, and sometimes the speaker needs this time to see the real issue, themselves. Sometimes they need time to hear themselves say it, or give it a name. Once they do, they often realize that the answer is very simple. Often, it’s something like: Why am I tolerating that? Doing this is a waste of time? Or: It really worked best, when I was doing it THIS way.
Often, they don’t even need a solution. The solution is simply the release/relief that comes wit being able to express a feeling without fear/risk of being judged, for having the feeling.
This is the hardest thing for me to do, but life coaches and counselors, and really great life partners learn to do this.
I’m hoping that I can keep a slightly uncomfortable experience close to my heart, and remember it, because it was directly related and will help me to remember to just listen. I was expressing a feeling of martyrdom, and some frusteration, and the general attitude with which it was met, was: Ya, suck it up girl, ‘cus you signed on for this, when you had your kid.
The respondents were absolutely right, but as coaches/counselors their bedside manner left something to be desired.
I’ve often tried to “help” my husband, when he was feeling frusterated about a situation, but that isn’t what he wanted, at all. He just wanted to express the frusteration, and find his own solution, because, he knew more about the problem, than I did. (I know nothing about computer programming). He just needed a safe place, in which to rant, for a moment, or two. As difficult as it is, I’m learning to keep my mouth shut, and let him.
It’s much easier, now, for him to trust me to do that, and he can express himself more fully, and get through the moment, more quickly, and grasp the solution more quickly, as well, and afterwards, I’m richly rewarded, for doing NOTHING, by the return of a fun, and loving husband, who feels good about having solved a problem, and knows that he now has time to take our son out of my hair, for an hour or so, and give me a break!
Hugs, to you, reader, and remember to let people know, when you really just need to just rant, for a minute, or cry on their shoulder, or just be held. This helps them to not feel guilty about just doing NOTHING, for you. And be honored to be trusted with someone’s true feelings.
Yours truely.
Sue.